


good intentions (never good enough)

by cutpalms



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Character Study, Intimacy, Kissing, M/M, Vignettes, disaster wizard and disaster warlock make it work, mild spoilers for C2e48
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-21
Updated: 2019-01-21
Packaged: 2019-10-13 21:18:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17495537
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cutpalms/pseuds/cutpalms
Summary: "Caleb had only meant for this to happen once.Fjord’s teeth clashing against his own, Fjord’s hand on his hip, Fjord’s heart beating against his—this was the type of mistake that he could only afford to make once before he would shatter completely."Or, Caleb tries to leave but, for better or for worse, he can never bring himself to do it.





	good intentions (never good enough)

Caleb had only meant for this to happen once.

Fjord’s teeth clashing against his own, Fjord’s hand on his hip, Fjord’s heart beating against his—this was the type of mistake that he could only afford to make once before he would shatter completely. Afterwards he’d pick up the pieces and run away like he always did, hands raw and bloody from the broken pieces and broken pact between them. The fracture would only hurt for a little longer than comfortable and certainly no more than he deserved. He could already picture the ash in his lungs and the cinders in his mouth as he ran away from the sea and towards the smoke.

And there, as Caleb felt himself be pressed against the mattress and his head swimming with another kind of breathlessness altogether, he felt like some mistakes were worth the shattering that came after.

But then it was over. They were lying on the bed in the inn doing nothing but feeling the press of their bodies against each other and listening to the sound their breathing, and Caleb couldn’t bring himself to bolt just yet. He tried to tell himself that it would be too awkward this way. _Just wait until he falls asleep, then he won’t even notice that you’re gone._ He knew it wasn't true, that even as much as he hated himself he was still a selfish, selfish being, but he could convince himself for the moment. And so he waited, tense in Fjord’s arms, fighting against his own desire to sleep.

Just when Fjord’s breath had evened out like the slow push and pull of the tides and Caleb was ready to slip out of the half-orc's grasp, he felt Fjord nestle closer and place his lips against his throat. “G’night, Caleb,” Fjord whispered, his dusty voice vibrating through him. “See you in the morning.”

And just like that Caleb found something he was even more afraid of than staying—Fjord’s heartbreak. The gentleness in which he held Caleb, not too tight but just tight enough; the way he inhaled deeply through his nose, like trying to inhale Caleb’s scent and keep it forever; the rawness in his voice after— _because of_ —everything that they had been doing; it all betrayed the part in Fjord that was more invested than his words gave away. The thought of Fjord waking up to a cold bed after all of this tenderness, of being willing to be there in a way no one else could have been, of somehow thinking it was his fault—

 _I’m doing this for him_ , Caleb thought, finally letting himself relax in Fjord’s embrace by inches. He’s so good at lying that he even believes it in the moments before sleep overtook him.

And if he woke up the next morning not with the taste of cinders but with salt against his tongue? And if Fjord smiled at him, a “Good morning, darlin’,” falling from his lips, and their legs tangled together as Fjord reached his hand into Caleb’s hair? And if Caleb met him openmouthed and wanting, letting their bodies fall into a newfound rhythm in the rosy dawn?

Well. That was for Fjord, too.

 _I could always leave tomorrow_ , he promised himself, as Fjord kindly suggested a permanent change in roommates the next time they stay at an inn, commenting that Caduceus’ mushroom experiments were starting to affect his constitution. _I could just find a time that would hurt less for all of us_ , he assured himself, as Fjord and Caleb surreptitiously start sharing a bedroll on the road as if the other members of the group hadn’t noticed the lingering glances and casual touches shared between them. _Fjord deserves better than waking up to an empty bed_ , he told himself, as Fjord traces his hands along every burn mark and scar marking Caleb’s body with the desperation of a drowning man holding onto a raft on the open sea.

Days pass quick and nights pass quicker and he still doesn’t leave, despite the many times he was left to his own devices and his absence wouldn’t be known for hours if not days. He can’t tell which was more cowardly—the fact that all his mind is screaming for him to do is leave, or the fact that no matter what he tries he can’t bring himself to.

 _He doesn't even know who you are_ , he forces himself to think during a particularly tender watch the stars, holding cut palm to cut palm like a promise. The words didn't cut as deeply as he had hoped they would. Instead he can feel the blood pulsing through Fjord's hand and the thought warms him more than any fire could. _If he did he would never touch you again._ As if in answer, Fjord rests his head on Caleb's shoulder, silencing all other thoughts that could creep into his mind. 

_You don't know who he is either_ , he muses later that night when Caleb touches him just so and he whispers "Caleb" in that other voice, lilting and cut glass all at once. _Maybe it's better that way_. Caleb swallows both the doubts from his mind and the sound from his lover's lips as he finds ways to wring his name from Fjord's lips again and again and again.

Despite his every intention of running away as soon as the moment arrived, Caleb couldn't help but let Fjord into his life piece by piece. It started with changing Frumpkin's fur at the next opportunity to something that would make Fjord sneeze less. _Just so I don't have to listen to him sneeze,_ he promised Frumpkin but the slow blink of his familiar's eyes told him that Frumpkin knew who the assurances were really for. It took a couple of tries, but the wide eyes and even wider smile on Fjord's face was more than worth the coin spent on incense.

Harder to explain away was the hours in the dead of night where they worked by the light of Caleb's globules. Fjord, in a rare moment of vulnerability, had asked to learn some of Caleb's magic. "So I can have something that belongs to me," he explained, and that's all that Caleb needed. He understood all too well why Fjord would want power that couldn't be taken away no matter what the world—or a certain demi-god—tried to do. And so Caleb taught him patiently the basics of arcane spellcasting, trying not to get distracted by the gold gleam in Fjord's eyes or the openfaced wonder the warlock gave him. _Besides, he will be a greater asset to the group this way,_ Caleb thought to himself as an afterthought several sessions into their lessons as Fjord was gathering ice in his palms and hitting an empty set of armor in the back of the room. And while he knew he was a liar there was something comfortable in the lie, but nothing quite as comfortable as the rakish grin Fjord gave Caleb and the accompanying _thump-thump_ in Caleb's chest.

And not even Caleb, master deceiver, was able to explain why, in the darkest of nights where there was no moon or stars to see by, he held Fjord during the worst of his nightmares. Or what practical purpose reaching out for the warlock's hand while walking through a new city served, squeezing it ever so gently. Or how whispering silver praises about the curve of Fjord's tusks and worshiping the firmness of Fjord's chest brought him any closer to leaving.

 _It doesn't_ , a voice in the deepest part of his mind whispered. Fjord was tucked in his side, snoring softly as he often does after a night spent in each other's company, but Caleb was wide awake. _You never were going to leave, not since you first laid eyes on him. You know all you do is hurt people but when it comes to protecting them from yourself you can't even do that right._ And Caleb had no answer for himself. All of the readied lies fall apart as he looks down at his lover and wonders just how long this could possibly last.

The closest Caleb comes to leaving is in Felderwin when the threads of his carefully hidden past unravel. He tells them everything since Nott deserves a happy ending and if losing the only friend's he's allowed himself to have, then so be it. Fjord is there but he can't bring himself to look into his lover's eyes, coward that he is. But even so, he adds a few especially cruel details of his past deeds to twist the knife in himself and finally, _finally_ create the perfect excuse to leave.

And it almost works, too. He gets as far as packing his bags that night, ruffling through Jester's haversack to get a few key items of his that he would miss, when he feels muscular arms wrap around his middle and a nose nestle against his neck. Caleb stiffens against Fjord's embrace, dropping the pink bag to the ground. They stand like that for a few minutes, precarious, as if they know that a single word the wrong way could leave them both shattering. Caleb doesn't even realize that he's crying until he tries to open his mouth to speak and tears fall into his mouth. "You would touch me," he begins, voice quavering. "You would...after knowing...after knowing that I—that I—" 

A moment passes as the thought fades from his lips and Caleb can't even bring himself to finish it. Fjord understands though, Fjord understands that there are some things in the world that you can't come back from unscarred. Fjord understands, so he reached up his scarred hand and places it against Caleb's heart. "Always," Fjord whispers, falling into his true voice, saying the word so gently it's as if it could tear itself on the way out. "Always, always, always."

And when Caleb turns around and wraps his arms around Fjord's neck and just sobs until there is nothing left in him but a numb ache, he can't help but echo the sentiment in his mind. _Always, always, always._

Fjord has his own moment of unraveling when the group finally finds Vandran in some back-alley sea-port. When the old sailor speaks in a voice identical to the one that Fjord had been affecting all of these years, all of the pieces click into place. At first he tries to continue using his fake voice— _Vandran's voice_ —but that causes more confusion than anything else. And so slowly, haltingly, he brings his own voice back. It's rusty and confusing to everyone at first, but this group was beyond the point of letting something like this turn them apart. That night in the tavern Fjord explained the heartbreak and loss that he experienced when he lost Vandran and why he had to hold onto the only thing he had left of him. Caleb held Fjord's hand under the table, saying nothing, understanding all too well wanting to hold onto things that were taken. He was only happy that Fjord was able to get his family back.

They spend a few days in that port, letting Fjord become reacquainted with his mentor. They trade some sea-stories and Fjord gets some much-needed advice about Uk'otoa and the promises of power that came with it. Caleb and the rest of the group gave Fjord some space but were happy to see the stiffness that he perpetually carried in his shoulders loosen every day he got to spend in Vandran's company.

One day, though, Fjord insists that Caleb join him and his mentor for drinks. At first Caleb thought that it was for Fjord's sake, wanting to introduce his lover to the only father that he had ever known. But when Fjord left to go get them a round from the crowded bar, leaving Caleb and Vandran alone at the table, Caleb couldn't help but wonder if it was Vandran's suggestion. The older man didn't say anything at first, just stared deep into Caleb's eyes long enough to make him squirm.

"You're not a good man." The words fall from Vandran's lips—a statement, not a question.

"I am not." Caleb responds in kind, voice steady. "I have done terrible things in my life. Things I am still trying to make up for."

Vandran nods, eyes still holding tight to the wizard's. "We seem to have that in common." Another moment passes and all Caleb wants to do is sink under the table. "And Fjord is a good man."

" _Ja_ , the best," and Caleb means every word. "I don't deserve him."

"Have that in common too," he says, nodding again. Caleb can hear the regret in his voice, the regret of a man who knows there's no coming back from his mistakes but wants to right them for someone else's sake. Caleb has heard the same regret in his voice time and time again. "I can't stay with him, I've got too much blood on my hands and not enough penance for it," he continues, the drawl both familiar and unfamiliar. "But you—you keep by him, okay? He doesn't need anyone else leavin' him, even if they know they shouldn't stay." 

"I will." Caleb promises, because what else can he do? He already knows he can't leave, and knowing that Fjord would be devastated only sealed the deal. He had long left his fantasies of leaving at the dead of night behind, working instead to one day perhaps be worthy of Fjord's touch. 

Vandran nods one final time and finally releases Caleb's gaze as Fjord returns to the table with drinks. Fjord looks almost worried for a second at the serious expressions of his mentor and his lover, but then Vandran smiles warmly up at him. Everything in Fjord relaxes at that and the grin he gives in return is almost too bright for Caleb to handle.

Fjord tries to convince Vandran to come with them, at least for a little ways, to find him a little more civilized of a place to retire to, but Caleb easily predicted the older man's refusal. "I've got some things left to settle here" is all he will say on the matter. He does, however, except the substantial amount of coin that Fjord gives him to at least alleviate his living conditions, though Caleb has a feeling that the coin will likely find its way into the hands of the orphanage that Vandran spends most of his time in. Though Vandran insisted that he's not a good man, Caleb can't help but think that Fjord got some of his best qualities from the sea-weathered sailor. When they left, Vandran gave Fjord a hug and Caleb a warm clap on the back as the group promised to visit him again very soon.

And so they continue to travel, settled with each other and the group in a way neither of them could have ever dreamed possible. They did some good deeds, some not as good, but in the end it didn't matter as much what they did so long as they did it _together_. Fjord continued to find ways to please his patron without unleashing the end of the world while Caleb continued to work with the strands of fate to find their innerworkings. But as the days went on, Caleb got so proficient he could see the threads of fate all around them. He saw one thick, red cord perpetually linking Fjord's scarred hand to his and knew something stronger than blood bound them. And as he got more familiar with the threads of fate around his little group, Caleb found himself caring more about keeping these threads together than erasing the horrible ones from his past.

"Caleb," Fjord says one night, long after the worst of their travels had passed, his voice settling into his original accent like there had never been a time he had forsaken it. "I'm glad you stayed."

"What do you mean?"

Fjord rings his hands together, nervous like he hasn't been around Caleb in a long time. "I know you've thought about it before. When we first, you know, got together. I could have sworn you were going to bolt the first chance you got."

" _Ja_ , I did consider it," Caleb said after a moment of weighing a lie in his mouth and deciding on the truth. "But I decided it would be better to stay." 

"And then back in Felderwin, when you told us about your past," Fjord pressed, forcing Caleb's eyes to meet his. "You had your bags packed and everything. But you didn't leave then, either."

" _Nein_ , I didn't leave, not even then." Caleb cracked a strained smile. "You did a pretty good job of convincing me otherwise." 

This seemed to settle Fjord for a moment. They continued with their practiced routine, Caleb copying down notes in his spellbook and Fjord polishing his well-worn falchion. Minutes later, just when Caleb was about to suggest a different type of evening activity, Fjord spoke up again. "Why did you? Stay, I mean. You could have bolted any time—I would have let you, you know, even if I would have hated it. Even if it would have killed me. So." He tooke a deep breath. "Why?"

 _Because I am a coward. Because I was terrified of your disappointment. Because I thought I deserved the torture of staying knowing you deserved better. Because I didn't want to lose the only friends I'd ever had. Because I didn't want to lose_ you _. Because--_

"I had already shattered myself so many times," he said at last, voice soft with a tenderness he rarely allowed himself. "I think—I think I wanted to try staying long enough to put myself back together again."

He looked up and Fjord was smiling at him like the sunrise peaking over the waves. A few jagged pieces in him shifted into place just then as Caleb just smiled back at him. _Maybe staying was the right choice after all,_ he thought as he slowly tipped his head upwards to meet Fjord's in a slow kiss. _Even if only for this moment._

And as they fell back on the bed, laughing and relishing in each other's bodies, all thoughts of leaving vanished from Caleb's mind.

**Author's Note:**

> Me, at 1 am in the morning, typing widofjord fanfiction after I've read through every single widofjord piece on AO3: Be the change you want to see in the world.
> 
> Once I thought of the first line I knew I had to write a piece around it. I also am very scared about Caleb leaving the group this week, so I wrote this to convince myself that it wasn't going to happen. This also goes unbeta'd because life is short and uncertain.
> 
> The title is from "Get Out" by CHVRCHES, one of many CHVRCHES songs that fits their relationship all too well. Let me know what you think in the comments!


End file.
